Now I knew that baby nappies (or more specifically, the contents of them) were not pleasant things.
I was never under any illusion about that -right from the first tarry poo that we discovered in his little newborn pants (they warn you about that one - and my word, they are right to...it's a shocker. Truly Hammer horror style.) They even give you a little sheet, with lots of photos of what your newborn baby's poop will look like throughout the first few weeks. It's a conversation I never thought I'd have with my husband; peering keenly into Danny's nappy whilst commenting that 'my word, we'd entered the peanut butter stage earlier than anticipated.'
However, they don't tell you about teething poos. I had no idea that teething could affect the contents of his nappy quite so drastically. Put it like this. We use non-disposibles. Normally, I can flick the contents deftly down the toilet and have done with it. Not so with these VILE teething poos. Oh no. I have to get reams and reams of bog roll and scrape the sod off - getting it all under my nails at the same time, whilst trying to balance the nappy precariously on the top of the cistern. And desperately wishing I had a free hand to pinch my nostrils shut, so they weren't exposed to the hideous aromas wafting upwards into them.
Plus he seems to do about twenty a day at the moment. Hence my nails have been cut extremely short.
Which leads me on to compile a list of things they don't tell you about being a mum - right from the word go. Read it and weep.
1) Some babies don't actually need much sleep. Danny, of course, being one of them. The books all gaily promise you 18 hours a day to begin with. Hmm. Try 10, if that. Hence a very tired pair of parents.
2) Some babies don't actually like food. Again, yes, Danny was one of them. Cue pureed brocolli hitting the wall, and mother in floods of tears, banging her fists in despondency over the kitchen sink. Annabel Karmel cheerfully narrates how 'baby will love sweet potatoes, butternut squash and sweetcorn'. One word for you, Karmel. Liar.
3) Some babies don't like wearing clothes. We have the same ritual every day, of Danny squarking and shrieking and writhing around as though we were trying to kill him, simply because we were attempting to get a t shirt over his head. See also - wearing nappies. The amount of time Danny has been wriggling like a maniac, then body slammed with all his might into a poo, splattering it all over the change mat and himself. Ugh.
4) Children's tv programmes are hideous. They don't warn you about this one. Good god they are awful. Seriously, if you want to feel like a character from 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' in one half hour - watch In The Night Garden. Surely designed to make one feel as though their brain is slowly being sucked out through their ears. Narrated by Derek Jacobi no less. Jacobi, you corporate whore.
Danny can't get enough of it though. He bounces so hard in front of In The Night Garden and flaps his arms so frantically that he almost takes off. I wouldn't actually be surprised one day to see him suddenly launch off like a bird and go flying round the room before roosting on top of the bookshelf to watch it from there.
5) Not to mention all the things they don't tell you about pregnancy. Don't even get me started. Health visitors and doctors owe it to us all to tell us these vitally important things, so that gullible morons such as myself are prepared for the onslaught.
Awww...I'm only kidding. He's a little star really...
No comments:
Post a Comment